Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
