She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My life is pants optional.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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