6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
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