so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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