I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
