when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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