I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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