how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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