Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
