ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
