The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
