he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
