you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The best revenge is premature balding
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
