They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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