I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
