i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
