If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
