we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
