It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
