I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
