Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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