Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
