I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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