He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
They have beer where we have blood.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
