I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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