I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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