Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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