even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
