Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
