things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
