If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
