i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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