omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She even gives head with a lisp.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
