Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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