My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
