You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
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I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
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I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
false alarm, still single
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