Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Shame - the story of my life.
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