Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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