Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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