I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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