Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
