I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
