OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
