there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My vagina is officially offended.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
