true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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