Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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