fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
