Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
