I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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