im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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