God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
