I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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