What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
