Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
