We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
