thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
