Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
