Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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