it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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